Everyone who has earned the Eagle, Global, and Anchor knows that being a Marine isn’t something you do – it’s something you become. No matter how long you stay in the service or what occupation you pursue afterward, you will always be a Devil Dog first. As such, our staff has compiled a list of 21 suitable jobs for leathernecks who have hung up their uniform.
1. Marine soldier—Couldn’t get past Lance Corporal but still want to deal with police-calls, sleep deprivation, and pointless fuck-fuck games? Join the Army and enjoy being treated like a child for a few more years! Also, expect unending grief from your comrades who stayed in the Corps. Lengthy PowerPoints also included.
2. Marine airman—A worthy option for those who want the camaraderie of the military but don’t want to carry a ruck. Benefits include air-conditioned buildings, BAH and BAS at E-4, and hotter women.
3. Marine national guardsman—If you pick this option, be ready for your teammates to tune you out because you constantly talk about how you “did things differently in the Corps.”
4. Marine corpsman—Get attached to the Marines as a Greenside Corpsman, and you’ll be an Honorary Marine who is also a Marine and a sailor at the same time. Semper squid-elis!
5. Marine teacher —Tired of yelling at your junior Marines and making their lives miserable? Come yell at somebody else’s children in a classroom setting instead. Warning: May cause you to age faster than active duty did.
6. Marine grocery bagger—Mostly meant for veterans of the 0300-series of MOSes who don’t want to use their GI Bill.
7. Marine welder —A good way to go if you want to make decent money but don’t want to sit in an office. Caveat: actually requires training and experience before you make the big-bucks, unlike that six-figure sales job one of your platoon-mates waltzed into at his “friend’s dad’s business” after EASing.
8. Marine marine welder—Similar to the previous one, but more lucrative and more likely to lead to a premature death than being in the service.
9. Marine homeless veteran—Go this route if you want your demographic to be used as an arguing-point every time somebody wants to let impoverished refugees into the country.
10. Marine biologist—A good way to use your GI Bill while leaving you nothing left over for medical or dental school. Enjoy student debt!
11. Marine marine biologist—Wait, what do these guys do again? They study the biology of Marines, right? Expect to look at a lot of dip-stained teeth and mouth cancer.
12. Marine merchant mariner—This wasn’t what your girlfriend meant when she said she wanted to go on a cruise. Also, watch out for pirates.
13. Marine Walmart greeter—See number 6.
14. Marine Jody—Nothing says “paying it forward” like banging the significant-others of friends who are still in. Semper Creampie!
15. Marine prior-service Marine—Your first sergeant was right. You didn’t make it on the outside. At least this way you will get a steady paycheck again, plus the opportunity to complain about how today’s Marines are snowflakes and softies.
16. Marine naval officer—Oh, you want to be an intelligence or cyber officer and make big bucks on the outside after four years? Congrats, you’re going to Surface Warfare!
17. Marine fake-news writer—BEWARE, only join a disreputable news agency being funded by totally-not-the-Kremlin if you can actually string together grammatically-passable paragraphs of incendiary and divisive writing. Bogus articles must be written using a word-processor, not crayons.
18. Marine crisis actor—Preference given to amputees or Marines who can pass for high-schoolers, but open to anyone who wishes to further the New World Order’s nefarious plans when a staged terrorist attack or mass-killing occurs.
19. Marine paid protester—Attention, drill sergeants! Are you used to yelling at and beating up people when you’re angry? Put those marketable skills to use by yelling at and beating up people who don’t agree with the Deep State’s liberal agenda. Soros will provide the paychecks, or maybe it’s the Koch brother guy. That’s what we heard, anyway.
20. Marine lone gunman—Kennedy knew too much.
21. Marine mass shooter—Every Marine’s a rifleman.
Oorah, Devil Dogs! Get out there and show the world what you’re made of.