WASHINGTON — In a major setback for veteran care, the Department of Veterans Affairs admitted today that medical professionals have been mistakenly prescribing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) instead of curing it.
“We are currently going through all paper and electronic copies of our treatment forms and replacing ‘Treat with [PTSD]’ with ‘Treat for [PTSD],'” said VA spokesman Matthew Gowan. “We sincerely apologize for the error and are in the process of correcting it.”
Officials are blaming a clerical error on a provider form that hasn’t been updated since 1921, causing the VA to mistakenly yet diligently terrify US service members for nearly 100 years. Dr. Tina Walker, head of psychiatry at Walter Reed Army Medical Center since 1936, has been prescribing an aggressive PTSD regimen to induce anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts in veterans, “taking their minds off of their debilitating injuries.”
“Service members were exposed to things like Jane Fonda, their old team leaders, and Green Beans coffee to impair day-to-day function and cognitively override whatever conditions they would otherwise have been diagnosed with,” said Dr. Walker. “Widows of service members expressed a high success rate, but in hindsight we can see how it may have been counterintuitive.”
“Now that you mention it, so did secretly dosing hundreds of civilians and service members with LSD in government experiments, but here we are,” added Walker. “Would you like one of these hard candies?”
In the wake of the mistake, acting VA Secretary Robert Wilkie also offered a formal apology in the form of a complimentary fireworks show during a crowded Dixie Chicks concert. Admission will require proof of disability rating at the gate.