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War dog returns from combat with necklace of enemy buttholes

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FORT BENNING, Ga. – Trigger, a military working dog assigned to the 127th Military Police Company, shocked his handlers by coming back from his last deployment with a necklace of enemy buttholes.

“Some of us noticed that Trigger was having some problems,” said Sgt. Mary McKelvin, Trigger’s Dog Mom. “He’s such a good boy, my precious little stinker.  He started sleeping with his eyes open, which really was so cute and quirky that I had to Instagram it. Then he wanted to go out on patrols without being asked. Adorbs. I even got him a bandanna. Who knew my little floof could be capable of war crimes?”

Trigger faces charges that could result in a bad boy discharge.

Early on, Trigger displayed only a feigned interest for sniffing care packages at the post office and cars entering the FOB, turning to the company of other dogs at every chance. When vector control slowly stopped finding stray dogs, it raised a few eyebrows. Trigger’s war trophy was found months later when his kennel was searched for a missing 240 barrel bag.

“I don’t take any pleasure in taking a life,” said Trigger. “But I do love buttholes. I sniff these buttholes to become more alive. I sniff these buttholes to remember.”

Trigger’s actions, while reprehensible, have observed in previous wars.  General Patton’s dog, Willie, was quietly escorted out of the European theater after he was caught hiding buttholes in in footlocker. Hirohito’s dog, Saki, was known to show his littermates a framed display of artistically arranged tails and ’holes from the age of the samurai.

“War is a terrible, dirty place,” said Trigger at his court martial, staring past the judge to a field of buttholes only he could see. “I only sought to make it sweeter with the delicious scent of buttholes.”

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