THE PENTAGON — General Mark A. Milley, new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has filed a formal grievance after discovering the outgoing chairman left him a book full of dong art.
Milley was sworn in on the last day of September, replacing Marine Corps General Joseph F. Dunford. But within an hour of moving into his new office, Milley shut down operations to draft his complaint and recall request.
“I’ve worked with Marines my entire career, so of course I expected some dicks. Maybe on the margins of the National Defense Strategy or Sexual Assault Accountability and Investigation Task Force notes” said Milley. ”But this is just unprofessional bullshit.”
The complaint, sent to Defense Secretary Mark T. Esper, detailed Dunford’s inadequate transition materials. He left a manila folder containing 762 hand-drawn, highly-detailed phallic images, many of which were tattooed with “0302.” One particularly offensive drawing depicted a purple-tinged beef rifle sodomizing an F-35.
Dunford also left behind a crumpled Boeing F-15 brochure and several crude cartoons about the genital preferences of an individual identified as ‘Wagner.’ There were no instructions on how to build lethality, but the most egregious offense was Dunford’s lack of post-retirement contact information.
Thorough, quality turnover binders are a strictly enforced requirement for service members leaving any billet, including details on collateral duties such as Urinalysis Program Coordinator. These binders, normally filled with critical materials and diligent notes, ensure continuity across changing missions. At worst, turnover binders employ a 4:1 ratio of relevant content to pornographic drawings, per DoD Instruction 5000.64, Accountability and Management of DoD Equipment. Admiral James A. Winnefeld, Jr., earned his National Defense Service Medal star for his modest breast-adorned Forever War binder as outgoing Joint Chiefs Vice Chairman in 2015.
The complaint caused chaos in Esper’s office. There is no precedent for recalling general officers over genital doodling.
“Seven hundred sixty-two trouser Howitzers?!” Esper demanded. “When did he find the time to draw these? There are just so many veins!”
“If I weren’t so livid, I might be impressed. The detailing on that F-35 wasn’t half bad,” Esper added.