KOBANE, Syria — The leadership of the Syrian Democratic Council has demanded the United States at least buy the Kurdish people of northeast Syria dinner before fucking them so hard. The statement comes in response to the Trump Administration’s recent policy that essentially green-lighted a Turkish military operation into the region.
Ilham Ahmed, President of the Executive Committee of the Syrian Democratic Council, spoke before a group of soldiers from the Women’s Protection Units, or YPJ, an elite fighting force made exclusively of Kurdish women.
“Let’s face it, ladies, if a guy’s gonna give you a few drinks and force you to lower your defenses along your buffer zone, he ought to at least fork over $100 for dinner before fucking you.”
The Trump Administration initially had tried to ghost the Syrian Kurds in late 2018, eventually prompting the resignation of Defense Secretary James Mattis. The plans appeared to be placed on hold until this week’s announcement, which came as a shock even to the professional backstabbers at the Pentagon.
“It just seemed a little insensitive to use our Syrian partners like that,” said Defense Secretary Mark Esper. “We went on a few dates fighting ISIS. We even left them with the bill for thousands of casualties.”
“So yeah, it was kind of rude of us to pull out before they culminated with their Rojava experiment.”
White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham told reporters, “I know many people expected the US to come to the aid of our Syrian partners after they defeated ISIS for us. But there was no quid-pro-quo when it came to our Syrian partners on the ground.”
“Hey, when you’re a celebrity, you can do whatever you want.”
Not all Syrian Kurds were outraged at US policy, however. One unnamed YPJ fighter strongly disagreed with the SDC’s statement, adding “Trump fucked us so good we ought to be taking his ass to Red Lobster.”