Americans increasingly respect and revere our nation’s veterans, and after two decades of non-stop wars many veterans have returned the favor and moved on from military service to public service. With that in mind, here are Duffel Blog’s endorsements for the 2020 presidential primaries.
Democratic Primary: Duffel Blog Endorses Tulsi Gabbard
This year the Democratic Party has not one, but two veterans running for president: Mayor Pete Buttigieg of Indiana and Rep. Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaiʻi.
Pete Buttigieg has several qualities that Duffel Blog is looking for in a candidate: He looks absolutely delicious in a Navy uniform (not quite Tom Cruise in Top Gun but definitely Tom Cruise in Top Gun 2), and if that’s not enough, he’s the only veteran who we’re confident will never be charged with sexually harassing a female subordinate.
But Pete Buttigieg is too normal to be the face of the American veteran. He can walk into a room of college kids without triggering their stress cards or collapsing their safe spaces. He can talk about his military service for more than five seconds without mentioning the people he killed. That’s the kind of normal well-adjusted veteran myth the mainstream media wants you to believe.
We all know the real truth: Most of us veterans are batshit crazy.
We know that the batshit crazy veteran is mostly relegated to Vietnam-era movies or wherever Steve Bannon happens to be, but Duffel Blog thinks it’s important the American people remember that the warrior standing guard over your freedom today was probably the same weirdo you knew in grade school who ate paste and collected Soldier of Fortune magazines.
And that’s why Duffel Blog is endorsing Tulsi Gabbard for president in the Democratic primary. Whether it’s doing doing photo ops with Bashar al-Assad, calling America ‘Saudi Arabia’s bitch,’ or getting accused of being a Russian sleeper agent, we cannot think of a better candidate who embodies the sheer fucking craziness that is the American veteran:
- Tulsi Gabbard is a 20-something with a huge beard driving a truck down the highway while monologuing into a camera about socialism.
- Tulsi Gabbard is a screaming match between Dakota Meyer and Bristol Palin on reality TV.
- Tulsi Gabbard is a dog-eared copy of War is a Racket with the forward written by Ron Kovic.
- Tulsi Gabbard is a double-amputee veteran building himself an off-road wheelchair so he can go tearing through the swamp during duck hunting season.
- Tulsi Gabbard is Jim Webb laughing during the 2016 Democratic presidential debates while talking about killing a North Vietnamese soldier.
- Tulsi Gabbard is every line shouted by John Goodman in The Big Lebowski.
- Tulsi Gabbard is James Mattis’ knife hands after James Mattis goes to sleep, but the knife-hands want to go online and blog about how Starbucks hates veterans.
Tulsi Gabbard is the perfect candidate to represent us. Tulsi Gabbard is us.
Republican Primary: Duffel Blog Endorses Donald Trump
For the Republican primary, Duffel Blog endorses another veteran: President Donald Trump, who served in the New York Military Academy from 1960 to 1964, and was awarded the Neatness and Order Medal in 1960 and 1961.
While not quite as prestigious as serving in the Hawai’i Army National Guard in Iraq, service in the New York Military Academy has been ranked as equivalent to serving in the Texas Air National Guard during Vietnam.