FORT BRAGG. N.C. — Army Chief of Staff Gen. James McConville has officially forbidden soldiers 18- to 20-years old from getting married while in the Army.
The decision results from the study of decades’ worth of empirical evidence. Eighteen-year-olds throughout the ages have proposed to their high school sweethearts, only to deploy or PCS and for the relationship to not work out.
Off-post courthouses across the nation have cheered for the decision, but pawn shop owners are not happy about it. One owner said, “Listen, I don’t know how these generals think I’m going to make a living anymore. I had one wedding ring come back here five times in the same year.”
“You know what kind of hit I’m going to take if I can’t sell these things to soldiers every few months anymore?”
Gen. McConville told reporters, “We waste a lot of time dealing with the decisions of our lowest ranking individuals. This new regulation will empower the younger soldiers. We’re not limiting them from having relationships, and if the relationship is going to last, it will last a few extra years without the marriage license.”
He added, “Soldiers will no longer get married to escape living in the barracks, they won’t be able to get married at the last moment before their first deployment, and if they meet someone at 18 they’ll have to actually have an enduring relationship before proposing.
“We honestly can’t see the negative aspects,” McConville said.
Leaders throughout the Army are praising the decision, which they project will save billions of dollars in alimony. Divorce rates are also projected to drop dramatically within the first six months.
McConville concluded, “Oh, and no powers of attorney to non-relatives.”
AndiDiGiani contributed to this article.