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Op-Ed: You can’t have a terrorist training camp without monkey bars!

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Salaam Alaikum, Brothers,

I see you’ve completed the training facility just in time for the latest group of shahid to arrive. Let’s see: bayonet course … check. Explosives … check. Prayer rugs … check. Monkey bars … wait! You don’t have monkey bars? YOU DON’T HAVE MONKEY BARS?!?!

In the name of the Blessed Prophet, peace be upon him, you cannot have a terrorist training camp without fucking monkey bars! What miserable ass-crack of a country are you from? Did you never see a set of monkey bars during all that time there?

Yes, I know monkey bars are a godless western invention, but Sheikh al-Zawahiri said they are permissible if used in the pursuit of jihad! Did you not read the sheikh’s physical training manual? First we do the jumping jacks, then the high step through the flaming tires, then the monkey bars, then the rope climb. You want to go straight from the flaming tires up the rope?

No, this is not stupid, and I do not care if the fucking Reaper is back overhead. We are not going anywhere until you install a proper set of monkey bars. Do you see a weight room around here? No? Then how will you build up your upper body strength for jihad?

If you’re waging jihad in the woods, and you run into the infidel Americans, how will you safely swing away from tree branch to tree branch? And how are we supposed to make our recruiting videos without monkey bars? When I was in Jordan, that was all they asked me: “Do we really get to swing on the monkey bars?” And I said, “In paradise, you will have all the monkey bars you could wish for.”

Death to the Americans!

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