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Barracks Lawyer

Top barracks lawyers weigh in on impeachment hearings

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WASHINGTON — Impeachment fever is sweeping the nation and the military’s most vocal barracks lawyers are providing confident, baseless, and often unsolicited commentary on the House impeachment hearings in both traditional and social media outlets.

“They got nothin on my boy Trump!” Spc. Nathan Sledge, esquire, tweeted to his twelve Twitter followers earlier this week. “All the Demarcates have produced so far is just heresy. Plus, they can’t convict him if he pleads the fifth … habeas corpus and certiorarituri and so forth.”

Sledge, a cavalry scout who graduated sine cum laude from Tallahassee Correctional and Life-Skills High School, has been offering legal counsel from his barracks room since he left basic training 12 years ago. Though he is not a constitutional barracks lawyer, he specializes in 2nd Amendment rights.

While experienced barracks solicitors like Sledge believe House Democrats have failed to produce a compelling case against the President, others feel the amount of circumstantial evidence warrants further examination.

“I heard from a friend that dated one of [Trump’s ] secret service agents’ cousins in high school that he flat out quid pro quo’d the Uzbek president,” Petty Officer 3rd Class Shana Rutledge told co-hosts on The View. “Besides, I read an article in Salon earlier this month that basically proves he colluded with the Prussians.

“He’s obviously guilty.”

Lance Cpl. Shawn Wiley, a Marine rifleman at Camp Pendleton moonlights as a barracks lawyer, part-time coyote, and military analyst on Fox News. As a guest on Fox and Friends, Wiley provided sage wisdom for the president, should he be watching.

“He should just ask for a court martial,” Wiley told Ainsley Earhardt on a live broadcast of the show. “As the Commander in Chief, no one is the same rank as him so he can’t be convicted by a jury of his peers. Res ipso Loki, he gets off.”

Senior Airman Adam Brooker, an Air Force massage specialist who works at the Trump hotel and Air Force Inn in Rota, Spain, believes the impeachment process is political theater, set to smear the president prior to the 2020 elections. Nevertheless, he has advice for the president should the hearings proceed beyond the House.

“He should just walk in the chambers with a big ass middle finger, a Diet Coke, and a smile on his face,” Brooker told Sean Hannity during a live interview. “If they impeach him, all he has to do is get Pence’s wife to make Pence pardon him.”

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