DURHAM, N.C. — Veteran-owned clothing company Ranger Up has released a first-of-its kind “Tactical Bathrobe” for customers who are unemployed veteran operators.
According to the company’s website, the TacRobe X4 will come complete with built-in magazine pouches and a bottle opener to crack open that last beer you’ll have before you start applying for jobs.
“Our research has shown that the combat arms community is basically unemployable in the civilian world,” said Ranger Up spokesman Joe Mance. “So we decided to give those vets something unique to wear around the house as they fruitlessly apply for jobs for a couple years before inevitably becoming a cop or reenlisting.”
The TacRobe features a dump pouch to drop empty beer cans on the fly and a custom communications suite for recording and posting angry rants to Facebook instantaneously. It also comes completely covered in Dragon Skin armor, because “you never know when a home invader will break into your house to steal the cup of change you use to buy 40-ounce bottles of Steel Reserve.”
“When I first got out, I was wandering around the house in a regular bathrobe that could carry at most two pistols. It was nearly impossible to draw while I was half asleep face down on my sofa at two in the afternoon,” said former Special Forces Sgt. Jacob Blair. “But with the TacRobe X4, I can position my firearms for maximum effectiveness from the sofa—prone.”
The bathrobe is available in desert, woodland, or arctic camouflage. A special edition for wannabe mixed martial artists is reversible, with a skull-eagle-American Flag-Spartan helmet combo graphic on the inside.
“We’re just glad we can provide a great product for our unemployed veteran operators,” said Mance. “Because, honestly, it’s all downhill from here.”