YOUR LOCAL BASE CLINIC — Shocking documents reveal that the little button on the hearing test clicker is actually a direct line to the nipples of America’s greatest enemies.
The story broke when a contract electrician at Camp Pendleton found an odd yellow and black striped wire during a renovation of the base clinic. The unnamed man allegedly followed the cord all the way to southern Florida, where it continued into the Gulf of Mexico and all the way to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, directly into a pair of jumper cables clamped onto the pepperoni slices of infamous terrorist Ali Omar al-Salaam.
A full-scale investigation followed, identifying similar lines at bases across the United States, each one terminating on the boob hats of a known America-hater.
“The fight against terrorism involves all of us,” said Secretary of Defense Not-General-Mattis, in response to the scandal. “Why do you think we gave you a GWOT for sitting on your fat keisters stateside?”
The data show that actionable intelligence is up 74 paercent since the program, codenamed NURPLE PLAN PURPLE. The tactic has been hailed as largely effective, though some of the prisoners reportedly seemed to enjoy being zapped in the Winston Churchills, making guards “profoundly uncomfortable.”
The DoD subsequently declassified years’ worth of documents, including awards for valor for certain service members who went above and beyond in the interrogation of America’s enemies, most completely unknowingly. One such soldier is Army Pvt. Larry Stebbens, of Twin Peaks, Washington, who isn’t really sure if he heard the tone but thinks he should probably just keep clicking the buzzer anyway “just in case.”
Laurels aside, the outing of this secret program hasn’t been all ticker tape parades and attaboys. The project faced intense scrutiny after several EEO complaints filed by the prisoners against one particularly cruel guard, Spc. Guy Mandrake, who is clearly just Lynndie England wearing a fake mustache.
But the true end of NURPLE came after the inadvertent killing of detained American terror suspect, Richard Pancakes. Pancake’s chest raisins exploded after the hearing exams of a string of nervous, overly-caffeinated AIT students, who reports indicate “worked the button like they were trying to pull off a Street Fighter combo.”