Saudi defense contracts marked ‘safe’ following Pensacola attack


WASHINGTON — Hundreds of billions of dollars in military hardware deals narrowly escaped harm after a Saudi gunman opened fire on military personnel in Pensacola. earlier this month

“Understanding many Americans are rightfully concerned over the health and wellbeing of our foreign military sales relationship with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, I am pleased to announce that the flow of weapons to Saudi Arabia will not cease following this latest attack on the United States from our valued ally,” said Pentagon spokesperson Jonathan Hoffman.

In the immediate aftermath of the terror attack on flight students at Naval Air Station Pensacola, defense officials worked quickly to save contracts for the sale of fighter jets, bombs, and other advanced weaponry from the hundreds of rounds fired by the jihadist in Florida. 

“We are confident that all helicopters, fighter-bombers, and surveillance aircraft bound for the Saudis are now fully accounted for,” said Stuart.

When asked how a jihadist and his alleged accomplices had been allowed to train in the United States while expressing radical Islamist sentiments online, the Department of Defense pointed to the “Acceptable Level of Radical Islamists in Our Ranks” threat matrix, used to screen all foreign allies following the rash of “Green on Blue” attacks that have occurred in Afghanistan and elsewhere. 

“The gunman was assessed to be somewhere in the “Amber” zone,” Stuart said while motioning towards a Powerpoint slide. “Or roughly equivalent to the partially-vetted militias we have been arming in Syria.”

“But still safely below the numerous CIA-backed mujahadeen groups we’ve been working with for decades, and so he was cleared for training.” Stuart concluded.

At press time, the FBI had assured the public that they had everything under control and the security of our military personnel was assured, just as it was the day prior to the attack. 


Leg Ranger

Leg Ranger is one of the few infantrymen that knows how to write. His best ideas come when he's squatting over an overflowing slit trench oozing into his boot soles. In his free time, he brews beer and volunteers to carry the 240, because he's an American hero.
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