FORT IRWIN — Staff Sgt. Darren Eden has reportedly turned down a 6 month deployment to an “undisclosed location in Southwest Asia” in order to avoid feeling compelled to see an early viewing of the new Star Wars film, Rise of Skywalker.
Eden has a long history of avoiding Star Wars like the plague since childhood, when his older Star Wars-obsessed brother made him be an Ewok during their make-believe games of Rebels and Stormtroopers.
“You don’t even know, guy,” said Eden. “If I spot a lightsaber at the mall, I run the other way. Just the thought of that Jar-Jar thing gives me anxiety.”
Fellow Staff Sgt. Gustavo Sanders immediately jumped at the opportunity to serve his country, “literally anywhere in the world other than Fort Irwin,” said Sanders. “I mean, I’d have volunteered for a deployment to Hoth to get away from this place.”
Eden’s First Sergeant, 1st Sgt. Rose Phillips, expressed skepticism that 28 year-old Eden was scheduled for wisdom teeth removal in early January, but had no issues filling the tasking. “Barstow is no Cloud City, and you can only make the pilgrimage to Las Vegas so many times before you just want to put your fist through that whole lousy, beautiful town.”
“LT kept making a joke about completing his rounds in less than 12 parsecs last month on staff duty,” Eden told reporters. “It was hell, but I volunteered for duty with him again this weekend ’cause my wife was pressuring me to get tickets for opening night.”
“Hopefully she can find one of the other spouses to go with,” Eden continued. “I’m running out of excuses.”