WASHINGTON — According to Pentagon officials, President Donald Trump continued to express his unwavering support for controversial Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher today by inviting him to “do that watermelon smashing thing” at the White House.
“Chief Gallagher is a wonderful man – one of the very best, let me tell you,” said Trump in a recent meeting with reporters. “Not only is he a highly trained killer, but he brought joy and laughter to millions of Americans with his very highly rated and successful act. Very funny stuff; maybe the funniest and most successful ever. And I know humor probably better than anyone in the history of funny.”
Sources within the administration are concerned the Commander-in-Chief is mistaking Chief Eddie Gallagher, a combat veteran known among his colleagues as Blade, with Lee Anthony Gallagher, Jr., a hugely popular comedian from the 1980s. Known on stage simply as Gallagher, the comedian’s signature finale involved his smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer he called the Sledge-O-Matic.
“We were told to order sledgehammers and, like, two dozen watermelons.” said a White House employee who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “POTUS wants Chief Gallagher to ‘perform his watermelon bit’ in the Rose Garden. Then he wants to present autographed sledgehammers to Kid Rock and Dan Crenshaw.”
White House sources report Ted Nugent has declined an invitation to the event, stating Gallagher “just isn’t a relevant entertainer anymore.”