FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Yaaaaaaaawwwwwwn. Like, oh so you’re Airborne? No. One. Caaaaaares.
I was Airborne once. And holy cheese wiz did we sit around a lot and throw up in our shirt sleeves a bunch.
Why did we have to show up before the sun rose for a night jump?! WHY?! WHyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!
Because the Airborne has discovered a way to weaponize boredom. Yeah, you didn’t think we were going to release this kind of information. You thought this was going to be a hit piece. But, nah. The world is ready to know this kind of stuff.
The U.S. Army has been testing boredom on the 82nd Airborne for decades in an effort to weaponize it.
And. They. Are. Masters. Of this stuff.
In the Special Notional Operations Research Effects program, the Army has developed a system to destroy the morale of the enemy through the weaponization of bureaucracy, MREs, busy work, and methamphetamines given to soldiers in the form of Monster energy drinks, Red Bulls, and the mother of all: RipIts.
The success of the program can be seen clearly. Soldiers going to the 82nd and never leaving?
Addicts of boredom.
Soldiers leaving in droves after their first enlistment?
Washouts of the program.
This was almost leaked a few years ago when a sky soldier jumped out of a plane with a goldfish in his pocket. But thanks to the quick actions of his chain of command the Airborne was able to dismiss the soldier’s actions as shenanigans.
If only the public knew the truth: That soldier was deep within the SNORE Program and he almost spilled the beans. And his goldfish.