TEHRAN — The Iranian government has avenged the recent death of Iranian tourist Qasem Soleimani in an American strike near Baghdad the only way they saw fit: by indulging in the aimless slaughter of their Iraqi neighbors.
“The American decision to kill Soleimani, who was just an innocent man trying to get to Jerusalem, was a wanton act of violence and a severe violation of Iraq’s sovereignty,” Iranian foreign minister Mohammad Javad Zarif told reporters at a press conference in Tehran. “We have responded in the only way that we know how: We have fired missiles at Iraq.”
“We thought this was an appropriate way to avenge Soleimani, who in his innocence killed many Iraqis before being fed the sweet syrup of martyrdom by the American infidels.”
Hishmet Alavy, an Iran expert at the Center for Strategic Studies, said that it is a longstanding tradition for Iranian leaders to both mourn and relieve stress by attacking Iraqis.
“It is sort of like kicking a dog,” Alavy said. “After the 1979 revolution in Iraq, the mullahs relieved the stress of that tumultuous time through eight years of war against Iraq. More recently, since 2003 Iran has really struggled with pressure from America, which is constantly seeking to undermine the Islamic revolution.”
“The Islamic Republic’s only outlet for that tension has been fighting proxy wars in Iraq. Sometimes they have killed terrorists like Islamic State, although mostly they have just killed whoever they can find.”
The Iranian missiles, which struck an Iraqi air base at Al Asad in the desert west of Baghdad, killed an unknown number of Iraqi military personnel. Iraq has protested that the strikes were a violation of its sovereignty. When asked to respond to this accusation, Zarif said “Iraq can have its sovereignty back when they show that they are mature enough to handle it.”
Several news outlets reported that American personnel were also present on the Iraqi base.
“Maybe Americans were at the air base, but we could not know that because this was an Iraqi air base in Iraqi territory,” Zarif said. “I would also like to emphasize that if the missiles were aimed at any Americans, that was only a test of the missiles, and please do not nuke us.”