ARLINGTON, Va. – The Pentagon has released the results of an internal investigation into the Department of Defense’s awards process. Most noteworthy, the report found that every single Legion of Merit ever awarded has been complete and total bullshit.
Capt. Roger Forsythe, a spokesman for the Pentagon’s Headquarters and Headquarters Comapany, told reporters, “We really thought at least a few of them would turn out to be deserved.”
The Legion of Merit is traditionally given to pencil-necked POGs who haven’t left their offices or spoken to any junior enlisted swine for at least five years. It appears in the order of precedence above the Distinguished Flying Cross and the Purple Heart, and is behind only the Defense Superior Service Medal in terms of meaninglessness.
Those involved with the investigation were quick to point out how inflated the award has become.
“I personally went through thousands of these things,” an anonymous Pentagon staffer said, “and every single summary of action was nothing but fluff, detailing how some dude who was dumb enough to stay in the military for more than 10 years actually did his job that one time at band camp.”
Pentagon spokesman Cdr. Robert Shawnson urged reporters not to take this as a denouncement of the service members who have received the award over the years.
“We should not hold these men and women responsible for the awards their commanders wrote for them,“ Shawnson said. “It’s not their fault that their brown-nosing led to exactly what they hoped for.”
Documents obtained by this reporter via a Freedom of Information Act request confirmed that Cmdr. Shawnson is currently being considered for an end of tour Legion of Merit, to recognize the remarkable fact that he met the basic expectations of his nondeployable billet and didn’t get fired.