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General unsure where to post Cardi B lip-sync after DoD TikTok ban

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WASHINGTON — TikTok, the Chinese-owned, teeny-bopper social media platform, has been available to Americans for over five years. That’s why the Army’s recent decision to ban TikTok has one military flag officer suspecting that the new restriction is less about private security concerns, and more about holding back his rising status as an online influencer.

“It’s always easier to snuff out a glowing candle than to make the rest of ’em shine brighter,” said Army Gen. Matthew Reid.

Reid, also known on TikTok as Cardi OG, reportedly ruffled Pentagon feathers after uploading his first lip-sync video to pop star Cardi B’s hit song, “I Like It.”

“Apparently, they didn’t like it,” said Reid.

According to sources, what started as Reid’s personal effort to understand “this social media crap that everyone keeps talking about,” eventually led to him creating a TikTok profile where he discovered his true calling in life—music. He even began branching out and writing his own lyrics.

Reid stepped back to demonstrate his new rhymes for reporters.”I like shopping at the PX, I like G-Shock on my watch. I like moisture wicking fabrics in my Under Armour socks.”

“I still don’t understand what ‘washpoppin’ means,” said Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Mark Milley, “He just wiggles around like a heat casualty. How hard is it to drink more water?”

Milley refused to comment any further on whether or not Reid’s actions influenced the TikTok ban more than China, but added, “You can tell Cardi OG that the Cardi OIC has spoken.”

Special thanks to B. Curry for cover image.

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