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Here are the terrible bands and D-list celebrities doing USO tours in 2020!

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2020 is well under way, and the drawdown in the Middle East has reversed course. We now have a whole new brigade of the 82nd Airborne Division deployed, new units are moving into Poland and the Pacific, and an entire new branch—the Space Force, which may deploy soldiers to the Moon as early as August [citation needed].  As we continue our proud tradition of providing comfort and entertainment to service members wherever they may be serving our beloved country, the United Service Organizations (USO) announces our 2020 entertainer tour lineup!

*Not an inclusive list, check local USO office. Schedule subject to change due to conflicts, weather, security conditions and entertainers being Cancelled from polite society because of a mild joke about someone’s ethnicity they made back in 1978.

January–March

Musical Acts: Cage the Elephant; Toad the Wet Sprocket; James Clinton and the R. Funk Somestars; Utter Torment; Megabreath; Plaintain Fontenot; Tilly Somers; Erikah Badon’t; and Tactical Muffintop

Comedians: Dave Attell; Nikki Glaser; Paul the Plumber (“Tape ‘er tiiiight!”); Tam-pone; Uncle Father; and Fartbox

Celebrities: The Dallas Rockets Cheerleaders; Bobe Hop; Malcolm Gladwell; Dwayne Wade; and a very confused Morley Safer

Other: The Amazing Horriblo; Stuffed Harambe; Prince Harry’s Megxit Tour and Variety Show

April–June

Musical Acts: Silverchair; Platinumcouch; Tinstool; American Hitmen; Insane Clown Posse with special guests Twizted, MurderClown, DethMasque, KetaMind the K-Hole Klown and Pagliaci; Fly Mordecai; Deep Blue Something; Nas feat. a hologram of Fats Domino; and Facefuck

Comedians: Andrew Dice Clay; Mark Normand; Billy the Barber (“Cut ‘er clooooose!”); Rabbi Drearel Dullenstein; and the Topical Twins

Celebrities: OJ Simpson; The #MeToo Revue feat. DJ H-Wein; Caitlyn Jenner; Judge Lance Ito; and John Stewart with a bad head cold

Other: Ranger Chong and his Fantastic Bestiary; The Taupe Human Collective; and Dr. Drew

July–September

Musical Acts: Toby Keith; Joe Bob Boondocks; Magahat McGraw; Janie Rae Titwillow; Kid Unpleasant; Cellist Chun Li; Dire Straits; and the Rastafarian Tabernacle Choir

Comedians: Big Jay Oakerson; Mo’nique; A British Guy Making Observations On American Politics; Jenny Sexhaver; Elmer the Electrician (“Green is grooooound!”); and Carrot Top

Celebrities: Refrigerator Perry; UFC Fighters Pummel Strokerson and Katie Smite; The Philadelphia Flyers Cheerleaders feat. Gritty; and the guys from Duck Dynasty trying to put together an IKEA table

Other: Medium and fortune teller Madam Moonshard Enigma; STOMP; the Memphis Tumblers; and Paul Krugman

October–December

Musical Acts: Foghat; Michael Buble; Panic! at the Disco; Pootstorm; Executioners of Doom; Sherrytart; Terry Shart; The Mongolian Throat Singers; and Aloisius The Human

Comedians: Daniel Tosh; Monica Leggero; Andrew Dice Clay again because he refuses to get back on the plane and has been here the whole time; Norm MacDonald; Lenny the Landscaper (“Mow ‘er goooood!”); David Spade; and a guy who’s painfully unfunny but says all his punchlines in Spanish so all the Hispanic guys think he’s hilarious

Celebrities: Bishop Desmond Tutu; Stephen King; Jake Tapper; Jenna Bush; Chef Gordon Ramsey; Lance Armstrong; and Jimmy Fallon with severe traveler’s diarrhea

Other: “Matchmaker” dating game show hosted by Jenny McCarthy; the St. Paul Flemish Floodplain Dancers; Garrison Keillor; and former MTV VJ Kennedy reading Ayn Rand while slowly disrobing

Jay contributed to this report.

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