NSA collects enough data to know where your girlfriend wants to eat


Hey Mattis
Ask Mattis where your girlfriend wants to eat

WASHINGTON — The National Security Agency announced this morning they will be unveiling the result of almost two decades of data collection: A new smartphone app will translate your girlfriend’s passive-aggressive “I don’t care where we eat” into the actual restaurant she really has in mind.

The technology will work like Amazon’s Alexa. After a heated argument with your girlfriend, you simply say “Hey Mattis.” From there, the artificial intelligence compiles all the conversations its been listening in on, and calculates the exact restaurant that will finally make her happy.

“This is a huge breakthrough,” said every guy in a relationship. “I don’t care which restaurant we go to as long as it just picks one.”

The breakthrough is a result of increased data collection started back in 2001 with the Patriot Act. The original intent of the Act was to preempt aspiring terrorists, but it has consistently been accused of overreaching. That is, until this morning, when boyfriends and husbands around the world came to the realization that they will never have to argue with a hungry, irrational person again.

“Well, now I feel bad,” said former NSA employee Edward Snowden. “Hopefully nations around the world can pool their citizen’s data to get a more accurate answer of where our girlfriend wants to eat.”

Not everyone is on board with the news, however. Some people are worried that foreign hacking could maliciously choose the wrong restaurant and really ruin the night. Others are just concerned that their girlfriend is going to decline any choice out of spite.

The NSA is has promised to fix to any issues and recommends directing any bitching to their inefficient bureaucratic call center. Updates currently in beta attempt to estimate how long it will take for your girlfriend to be ready to leave the house.


Wob Weego

Air National Guard is the tip of the spear. Stand up comic and co-host of the Excuse Me History Podcast.
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