THE PENTAGON — Much of planned Space Force doctrine has been copied directly from the popular space-themed video game StarCraft, according to multiple sources.
“Supply depot, refinery, barracks, refinery…” said Army Maj. Steven Song, “I know a StarCraft build order when I see one, and sadly, this one wasn’t even that good.”
Steven isn’t a Space Force officer, but investigating DoD officials had approached him to review a USSF field manual, due mostly to his Korean-American heritage and genetic affinity toward anything StarCraft. While Steven rejects the stereotype that Koreans have an abnormal obsession with the video game in question, he admits that StarCraft happens to be his ‘jam,’ and that he spotted obvious game references before learning why he was asked to lend assistance.
“But when Lockheed assured us that they could secure enough Vespene to build an entire Battlecruiser fleet upgraded with Yamato Cannons, I figured everything was legit.”
According to sources, Lockheed’s classified Battlecruiser contract is “wicked huge,” but the spending doesn’t end there. Other large defense companies are rumored to have secured lucrative deals for creation of Vulture scout vehicles, Goliath mech units, and many other vehicle types planned for Space Force operations.
“Then there’s the Firebats,” Gen. Raymond said, his head shaking. According to senior defense officials, the Space Force has enlisted more than 500 recruits into its new Firebat specialty, which outfits combat troops with pressurized armored suits equipped with advanced flamethrower technology.
“There have already been a few debates surrounding the legality of employing flamethrowers in space expeditionary combat operations, but then again, the same goes for employing an entire goddamn Space Force,” Raymond said. “So you know what? Fuck it. The Firebats stay.”
Raymond added: “If you’ll excuse me, I need a smoke break. Anyone got a light?”
Special thanks to B. Curry for cover image.