Specialist furious after finding general’s rifle unattended in latrine


General Austin Scott Miller together with Provincial Governor Wahidullah Kalimzai in the streets of Ghazni

KABUL — Army Spc. Wyatt Allen was furious Thursday after finding a rifle unattended in a portable latrine on Bagram Air Base, sources say. Allen became even angrier when he discovered that the rifle belong to none other than Gen. Austin S. Miller, the four-star general commanding all US forces in Afghanistan.

“These fucking Delta guys think they can do whatever they want,” Allen said, noting that Gen. Miller spent much of his earlier career in the Army’s elite, shadowy special operations community. “The M4 was lying in a port-a-shitter, locked and loaded, safety off. Totally unprofessional ‘my safety is my trigger finger’ bullshit.”

“I would be court-martialed if I tried that.”

Allen later returned the rifle to Gen. Miller during a flightline rendezvous each characterized as “extremely awkward,” but questions remain about what happened in between the discovery of the rifle and its return.

“When I got the rifle back, it smelled like piss, my sling was gone and the optics that were on it didn’t look right and had the serial numbers scrapped off,” Miller said. “I offered Wyatt a challenge coin to get the sling back. I have used that sling since Mogadishu and it means a lot to me.”

“Wyatt said he had no idea where the sling was. Little shit.”

“Yeah, the sling went missing,” Spc. Allen said when asked. “I think I could find it for a log of dip and a set of that cool special camo that the general wears but, you know, no one else would be able to. Anything less than that and I think the sling is going to stay, uh, missing.”

Sources report that Miller’s senior enlisted adviser, Command Sgt. Maj. Timothy L. Metheny, has been placed in charge of negotiations with Allen for the return of the sling. So far, Allen has refused offers of two logs of dip and a Green Beans gift card, insisting he has no idea where the sling is. He has, however, expressed an interest in what he calls Miller’s “supper gucci camo Patagonia jacket.”

Miller is reported to be considering the offer.


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