Coronavirus stricken soldier just thankful he’s not stationed at Fort Polk


DJIBOUTI — An American soldier battling a potentially life-threatening coronavirus infection is just thankful he is not stationed at Fort Polk, Louisiana.

“I try to keep a positive attitude because there are always people out there who are worse off,” Pvt. Wallace Simpson told reporters. “I mean, think about it: Right now some poor soul is getting orders to report to western Louisiana during the prime of their life. So really, I should be thankful for what I have.”

“The worst that could happen to me is just dying.”

As a nurse in full HAZMAT gear gently wiped the sweat from his febrile brow, the young soldier shuddered to think that he or someone he loved could be forced to live in the dank, swampy hell.

“You know, my heart goes out to the families needlessly suffering from such a preventable condition,” the soldier went on. “If I had my way, no one would ever have to fight off an itinerant band of meth addled prostitutes at the Leesville Walmart again.”

“And I heard the only thing larger than the locals there are the mosquitos,”

While the nurse replaced his IV bag and administered another dose of antiviral medication, the soldier said a quiet prayer for his brothers and sisters in arms who may go two to three years without seeing a decent clothing store, a world class museum, or a stripper with most of her teeth.

“And if another human being is cursed by having to live on Satan’s grundle patch,” Simpson went on, between coughing fits. “Please end their suffering quickly with a compassionate reassignment, a deployment, or some sort of deadly pox.”

Plagued with guilt before slipping into a restless fever dream, the soldier started a GoFundMe page to support soldiers and their families suffering from life on the Army saddest installation.

Duffel Blog reporter Zach contributed to this article.


Whiskey Fueled Tirade
Ranter, writer, and small-time strategy grifter. Self-styled fancy lad who is starting to look a lot like Dorian Gray’s aging portrait. Follow him @FueledTirade on Twitter
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