Gunny wishes toddler would stop misbehooving


WASHINGTON — The two-year old dependent of a local Marine just won’t stop misbehooving, sources at the Washington Marine Barracks report.

Gunnery Sgt. Chester Thompson, whom subordinates collectively describe as a strict disciplinarian, appears to have met his match in the form of a three-foot tall, bipedal terror named Chad.

“I don’t like getting into the Pacifics of my personal life, but I’m at an udder loss,” Thompson admitted with a tinge of despondence.

Marine Barracks, Washington, D.C.—also known as 8th & I—is home of the famed Silent Drill Platoon, a unit renown for its impeccable military bearing and extraordinary professionalism.

“My Marines know to stop conversating and lollygagging when I walk into a room,” said Thompson, “but they also know I could care less what they do off duty, so long as I don’t hear about it.”

Toddler Chad has allegedly issued a challenge for household dominance by urinating on Thompson’s boots, according to family sources.

“Chad’s going to be in so much trouble!” announced Kaylie Thompson, five, who declined to speak on the record when specifically asked who tattled on her little brother.

The precocious toddler has recently experimented with coupling the newly discovered concept of sprinting with screaming at the top of his lungs, adding to the grizzled Marine’s dismay.

“I’ve tried explaining how it would behoove of him to listen,” said Thompson, visibly broken. “I’m beginning to think that, for all intensive purposes, he’s won.”

At press time, Thompson was overheard speaking with his career planner about deployment opportunities in Iraq.


Epic Blunder

Epic Blunder is a former deck seaman with an aversion towards open water. He enjoys coffee and bourbon, among other diuretics, and eats competitively.
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