Pentagon circle-jerks grind to halt as coronavirus fears spread


WASHINGTON — Senior Pentagon officials paused their usual circle-jerk sessions to protect themselves from the coronavirus, sources confirmed today. 

Officials reportedly agreed to the moratorium after three people in the Washington, D.C., area were diagnosed with the disease last week, and after former President Barack Obama asked Americans to take “common sense precautions” like forgoing handshakes and handies from colleagues. 

Prior to the outbreak, senior leaders reportedly got each other off multiple times a day in a variety of ways. They praised one other’s lackluster contributions in meetings, swooned over their average physiques in the gym, and validated each other’s roles in recent wars. 

“For sure, man,” an official reportedly assured one colleague, “your work changed the lives of those Afghans.” 

Some worry that to work in an environment that values accountability will impede their sense of self-importance, a critical part of policy work. 

“It’s going to be hard,” says Col. Smith, “I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through the next update brief without Col. Daffy’s — ahem — gripping support.” 

Without frequent validation from each other, officials might begin to question their policies, procedures, or even their basic assumptions about national security. 

Female leaders are not worried about the coronavirus outbreak; they are too cold and distant to catch it.

Epic Blunder contributed reporting.


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