Sergeant Major can’t decide whether to solve COVID-19 crisis with uniform inspections or haircuts

The Marines and Sailors of Marine Aviation Logistics Squadron 24, execute an about face, preparing to begin a squadron run from Hangar 375, July 22, 2015. The “Warriors” conducted morning physical training with a formation run, calling cadence. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Kristen Wong/Released)

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A local Marine sergeant major was torn today over whether he should solve the global COVID-19 pandemic with uniform inspections or haircuts, sources report.

“On the one hand, making the entire unit stand at attention in close quarters in their dress uniforms for hours on end will send a signal to the virus that we won’t let it affect our discipline and military bearing,” said Sgt. Maj. Earl Peachey. “But on the other, nothing scares off an infectious disease like the sight of a sharp-looking high and tight.”

Peachey added that the potential of further spreading a disease that has already killed over 1,000 people in the U.S. is minor compared to the cost of loosening grooming standards for a few weeks.

“In 25 years in the Corps, I’ve never seen a single Marine with a fresh haircut get killed by coronavirus,” said Peachey. “If that’s not proof enough for you, then I don’t know what is.”

A number of officers in Peachey’s unit, however, say that his solutions are misguided. According to them, the real ways to solve the COVID-19 pandemic are taking a 4-hour lunch break for “PT” and changing bubbles from yellow to green on Microsoft PowerPoint slides.

“If I can just find the slide that lists the COVID-19 crisis as ‘red,’ I think I might be able to change it to ‘green’ and solve this whole thing once and for all,” said Maj. Steve Flores. “I’ll touch base with a few folks on that after I get back from ‘the gym.'”

At press time, Peachey’s entire unit was diagnosed with COVID-19 after a Marine returned from leave in improper civilian attire without a shave.

Cat Astronaut

A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers.