Marines Must Innovate to Defeat New Threats vs. F*ck Social Distancing, You’re Getting a Haircut


A recruit from India Company, 3rd Recruit Training Battalion, receives a haircut at Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego, Feb. 5. Recruits receive a weekly haircut throughout training to remove the individuality from each recruit. Annually, more than 17,000 males recruited from the Western Recruiting Region are trained MCRD San Diego. India Company is scheduled to graduate April 26.

General David H. Berger, Commandant of the Marine Corps
We stands at an inflection point in history. We need innovative thinking to deter 21st Century threats, namely ChinaChina is embarking on a vast military modernization program, and could achieve military overmatch against the US in the Pacific by 2040.

Your sergeant major
I’ve been hearing talk that Marines are weaseling their way out of getting haircuts because of this “coronavirus” thing.

General Berger
We can’t defeat China with traditional military thinking. Anti-Access/Area-Denial means that China can prevent us from launching air strikes against them by neutralizing our carriers with hypersonic missiles, ultra-quiet submarines. They might even accidentally take an entire carrier out of commission by inadvertently spreading a global pandemic.

Your sergeant major
Seventy years ago, Marines faced a similar challenge called World War Two. It wasn’t grit, or determination, or brotherhood which carried our flag to the top of Mount Suribachi. It was haircuts.

General Berger
The Marine Corps needs innovation to tackle these types of threats. We need to get rid of legacy systems like tanks and have an even smaller Marine Corps — heresy! — to win in the 21st Century. We need a 21st Century talent management system to grow leaders who are adaptable in the face of new threats, like a global pandemic which threatens to alter the geopolitical order.

Your sergeant major
Marines with long flowing locks are a disgrace upon the honor of the thousands of Marines who died of communicable diseases in cramped, unsanitary conditions. I want you all to think of all those Marines who died of dysentery in the Halls of Montezuma as well as those brave Devil Dogs who died of typhus aboard a rat-infested ship on the shores of Tripoli who are now guarding the gates of heaven.

So fuck you millennials and your “social distancing” — Go cut that hair.


Dirk Diggler

Dirk Diggler is going to hell in a handbasket.
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