WASHINGTON — To limit the spread of COVID-19, the Navy has announced the temporary loosening of its notoriously strict grooming standards.
“We’re still going to make everyone go to work where they will be exposed to the virus,” said Acting Navy Secretary James E. McPherson. “[Former Acting SecNav Thomas] Modly’s idea was to let them have a little fun with it, like wacky hair day in elementary school.”
Sailors across the globe are elated over the “no haircuts” rule, though reports indicate that they are also coughing and struggling for breath. Marine Corps leaders also toyed with a similar shift in grooming regulation, but withdrew consideration after 13 senior NCOs died of cerebral aneurisms.
Now, just a few weeks into the policy, the Navy has already witnessed the emergence of a trend more viral than the plague it seeks to prevent: the glorious return of the North American mullet.
Known by many names: The “Camaro Crash Helmet,” “Mississippi Mudflap,” “Tennessee Tophat,” or the infamous “Achey-Breaky-Mistakey,” the radical ‘do is back, and judging by appearances, here to stay.
“I tell you, h’what, it’s about damned time they stopped persecuting our kind,” said Boatswain’s Mate Third Class Keith Parker, garbed in a pair of Pit Vipers and skoal-can creased jorts under a Dale Junior tank. “Roll Tide!” he added, with a rebel yell.
His shipmates claim that, despite the picture of Billy Ray Cyrus taped to the bulkhead of his rack, Parker was actually born in Massachusetts in 2001.
But it’s not just Parker, a new study shows. Thousands of Gen Z sailors are identifying with peak ‘80s culture by growing the iconic hairstyle, originally made famous by gym teachers, or possibly television’s Mrs. Carol Brady.
“Insurv in the front, liberty incident in the back. Your Navy leadership gets it, and we are here for it,” shared Chief of Naval Operations, Adm. Mike Gilday, revealing his own righteous locks as well as a new uniform change involving dungaree balloon pants.
The CNO made it clear, however, that beards, even obscured entirely by makeshift coronavirus masks, will remain strictly forbidden.
Whiskey Fueled Tirade contributed to this report.