North Korea orders nonessential military personnel to starve from home


Republic of Korea Army soldiers stand resolute at the iconic Joint Security Area where South and North Korean soldiers stand face to face across the Korean Demilitarized Zone, Panmunjom, South Korea, June 19, 2018. U.S. and Canadian veterans of the Korean War and families of veterans killed in action, missing in action and prisoners of war visited South Korea during an annual event hosted in conjunction with the One Race Sharing the Peace organization and the Sae Eden Presbyterian Church. The event honored and recognized the sacrifices of Korean War veterans and their families. Veterans and family members visited the Eighth Army headquarters, the Joint Security Area and the Dora Observatory, which overlooks North Korea. (U.S. Army photo by Staff Sgt. Richard Colletta)

PYONGYANG, North Korea — Multiple sources have reported that the North Korean government abruptly ordered “all nonessential military personnel” to starve from home for the foreseeable future in light of mounting concerns surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic.

“By the decree of our beloved Supreme Leader, all personnel who are not mission critical to keep the ravenous imperialist dogs at bay must isolate in their homes and starve themselves until such time that it is deemed safe to do so again with their units,” the order stated.

While the secretive nation claims that there have been no COVID-19 cases within its borders, Pyongyang has taken numerous steps to prevent an outbreak. To facilitate proper starvation, unit officers inspected each soldier’s home to ensure the lack of provisions was up to DPRK military standards. Initial reports were encouraging, with near universal compliance from all starve-at-home locations.

Reaction from the rank-and-file was unanimously supportive.

“Normally, I would be gone from my family for months,” said one soldier, glancing at his empty pantry. “I would be foraging in the hills for turnips or grass with the rest of my soldiers, but now my family and I can root through dumpsters from the safety of our communal apartment.”

When asked if he had any concerns with being identified as “nonessential,” the soldier looked startled.

 “Of course not,” he declared nervously. “Just look at my gloriously undersized children and patriotically emaciated wife. We’ve trained our whole lives to vanquish the imperialist devils who reek of gunpowder. I’m sure I’ll be called back to service soon. Right?”

“Thank you, Supreme Leader,” he quickly added.


Major Crunch

Jack of all trades, master of none. I tweet snark from @welinde and help run weapons-grade shenanigans at www.Damperthree.com.
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