PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has announced an agreement with the LEGO Group, which will begin manufacturing the next generation of landmines for use on the Korean peninsula.
“This is going to be a game-changer,” said Col. Michael Roberts of Army Logistics and Materiel Command. “We’ve been looking for a new landmine that’s going to get those ‘1997 Mine Ban Treaty’ snowflakes off our backs while ensuring the force remains fully mission capable.”
The new landmines are meant to disrupt enemy operations without causing death. Parents know those little plastic bricks carry enough pain to knock a grown man to his knees while screaming in agony.
“We weren’t interested in the contract initially,” said Lars Pederson, a spokesperson for the LEGO Group in response to the announcement. “After all, we make toy, for children. But we are also aware of the damage our product can causes anyone who steps on them, and we take pride in finding a patriotic secondary use for them.”
A prototype mine was sent to Fort Leonard Wood for testing, and the soldiers at Basic Combat Training gave the new non-lethal landmines top marks. Shortly after they were trained in the use of their gas masks, the soldiers were marched over an area littered with deployed LEGO Landmines, and the cries of pain and anguish could be heard from the Pentagon.
Several troops asked if they could go through the gas chamber once more to get out of it, but the Drill Sergeants marched them through the landmine training area anyway.
“I’d rather breathe nothing but CS Gas for a week than walk over that hellhole again,” cried Pvt. Richard Wagner, a trainee who could barely speak through the tears.
The new mines are expected to be emplaced by next Spring.