Veteran supports nurse friend with care package of chewing tobacco, porn


veteran care package

DAVIDSONVILLE, Md. — To support his friend who is a nurse working during the COVID-19 pandemic, local veteran Drew McGann has been sending her care packages filled with chewing tobacco and pornography to keep her spirits up.

“She’s out there working extra shifts and putting her health at risk to treat COVID patients. I know how hard that can be,” he said. “Just like when I was in Afghanistan, she probably wants nothing more than to sit back, throw in a dip, and beat her dick to some good smut.”

McGann added that, during his deployments, receiving care packages filled with protein powder and Listerine 4-packs filled with vodka dyed blue always helped him get through the tough times.

“When you’re out there serving your country, it’s good to know that someone back home appreciates the work you’re doing by sending 1980s nudie mags to your place of employment,” he said. “Sure, maybe she doesn’t need them, but she can always trade them to one of her nurse friends for a bag of jalapeño cheese spread or a camel spider.”

His friend admits that receiving the care packages at the hospital between bouts of intubating suffocating patients was a bit weird. But she said she appreciates McGann’s gesture nonetheless.

“I know his intentions are good, but his choice of porn is a little strange,” she said. “And honestly, Kodiak grape dip? What is this crap? He knows I only pack Grizzly wintergreen when I’m at work.”

Dick Scuttlebutt and As For Class contributed reporting.


Cat Astronaut

A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers.
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