Barracks stock market expert totally about to make a killing


Marines prepare to Zoom with the barracks stock market expert.

JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — Pvt. 1st Class John Hodges is totally about to make millions in the stock market, sources report.

“Stocks are so low right now I’m going to buy a bunch,” Hodges said earlier today. “In a few months I’ll be rich.”

Hodges, who has a credit score of 510 and is $23,000 in debt, has emerged as a financial expert during the stock market downturn. He had the genius idea to buy stocks when they’re lower, and has poured thousands of dollars into stocks he says “have to be so down right now, like Amazon.”

“All these companies’ stocks are low,” he said. “I’m going to move everything I have into them so I’ll have 51 percent of these companies when the market bounces back. Then when the market’s super high I’m going to short it all and double what I made. I’m also going to do bitcoin to make more. I learned a lot watching that TEDx talk with Tai Lopez. The more you learn the more you earn.”

Hodges stopped dispensing his financial wisdom to read investment advice on Reddit and to deal with “another goddamn overdraft fee.”

Also in the barracks is Lance Cpl. Brett Jacobson, who claims everyone should buy gold because civilization is collapsing and currency will be worthless. At press time, Hodges and Jacobson had agreed they were both going to get “so rich, bro.”


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