Military working dog films kennel rant defending ‘Paw Patrol’


DETROIT, Mich. — A military working dog’s incendiary diatribe has gone viral amid escalating demand for the cancellation of the police-themed television show, “Paw Patrol,” sources with the American Outrage Center (AOC) confirmed today.

Thaddeus Rex, a decorated combat veteran with multiple deployments under his collar, posted an invective-laced rant to YouTube yesterday where it has already amassed 70 billion views.

“I wasn’t neutered in SERVICE to my COUNTRY just to watch my favorite show get snuffed out under the heel of some power-tripping TV execs,” he wrote in response to one viewer’s comment.

Rex claims the video, filmed from his lifted kennel adorned with a patriotic collage of decals, flags, and Punisher skulls, was created as a defense of not only “Paw Patrol,” but for the “defense of [our] democracy and Dog-given rights.”

“Paw Patrol” is an animated crime series that has been criticized for glamorizing law enforcement professionals. Cries for the show’s cancellation have rallied in the wake of nationwide calls for the defunding and reformation of police departments.

“It’s pedigree prop-paw-ganda,” declared a neighborhood cat who asked to remain anonymous because “Fuck you. I’m a cat.”

According to Jim Beekman, an AOC virologist who specializes in the inflammation of the Internet, Rex has drawn exceptional ire from the Cat People Association while garnering significant support with veteran apparel influencers, sheepdogs, and the GOP.

“It would appear that Mr. Rex has dug himself quite a hole,” said Beekman. “It may be hours before he is thrown a bone and the nation latches onto a new narrative.”

Around the rant’s four-minute mark, Rex launches into a tirade against fourth-wave felinism before decrying Cat People as a socialist front for terrorist organizations funded by George Soros.

“As a veteran, it’s my solemn duty to stop this proud nation from succumbing to the will of these communist pussycats,” he says. “I don’t trust anything that needs to be killed nine times.”

Marissa Wright, Rex’s owner, defended him saying, “He’s colorblind,” but added that he wasn’t out of the doghouse just yet.

“Rex knows better. Veteran shit-post rants should only be filmed in pickup trucks,” she said.


Epic Blunder

Epic Blunder is a former deck seaman with an aversion towards open water. He enjoys coffee and bourbon, among other diuretics, and eats competitively.
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