WASHINGTON — This week, U.S. Secretary of Defense Mark Esper authorized ‘Skype-suit’ attire for teleconferencing, acquiescing to demands for relaxed uniform standards for teleworking and hoping to distract from recent issues around his leadership.
Personnel must wear the tops of their duty uniforms, but everything below the waist is a matter of personal discretion. Civilians must wear “professional” dress above the navel.
“The Skype-suit is great because it’s all business on top, but a party on the bottom,” Esper told reporters, “With most personnel teleworking, it seems unnecessarily intrusive to dictate unseen parts of the uniform. And besides, we know you were all already pants-less anyways. Just, uh, please don’t stand up to salute at the end of your meetings.”
Subordinates cheered the decision. “It’s hard enough to get my VPN working, Outlook up, and toddler distracted long enough to do anything productive,” said teleworker Capt. Danny Dawkins, “Add putting on my pants on to that list and, man, it’s all over.”
“Personally, I can’t wait to absolutely crush this uniform game,” tweeted General Robert Abrams. Ever the patriots, Abrams and his wife have been sporting matching Superman and Wonder Woman Underoos since the announcement, sources confirmed.
Husbands of military women were reportedly relieved to find their wives no longer wearing the pants in the household.
However, sources report your sergeant major does not give a rat’s ass what your Secretary of Defense said, and he will drive to your house and forcibly put your pants on for you if he has to.