FORT BRAGG, N.C. – Sgt. First Class Allison Roto’s eyebrows set the example for lethality, sources say.
In response to increasing threats from states like Iran and Russia, the U.S. Army has begun to modernize. The 21st century Army,“must dominate on all domains,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley, “and Sgt. 1st Class Roto’s eyebrows do just that.”
Roto’s piercing arched brows are the cutting edge of weapons systems. They combine agility and maneuverability to cut through all kinds of bullshit, inducing her soldiers and enemies alike to immediately surrender to her will. With a kill radius of over 50 feet, they are capable of causing an entire room of personnel to quiver in fear.
“I was goofing off with Spc. Voyd the other day at the safety brief,” explained Spc. Alex Hamilton. “And then I saw Drill Sergeant from across the room. Her eyebrows arched up ever so slightly, and that’s when I knew I had better shut it or I was done for!”
A recent RAND report acknowledges the power of these sharpened brows, writing that they are particularly lethal when paired with an on-fleek sock bun.