THE PENTAGON — During a Friday morning press briefing, the Department of Defense unveiled a new meal-ready-to-eat specifically designed to meet the nutritional needs and interests of pregnant service members.
“With the increase in missions in the past year, the Department of Defense is working hard to recruit and retain service,” said Pentagon spokesman Jonathan Hoffman. “So we’re debuting some new MREs to offer food that appeals to a variety of groups. For example, our new pregnancy support MRE comes with chocolate-covered bacon-flavored strawberries, fried chicken—but not the greasy kind—and ice cream right now, goddammit.”
According to Hoffman, the MRE was a big hit among all testing groups except vegans during the testing phase, and many units are requesting access.
“Despite its early popularity, the pregnancy support MRE will first be offered to service members who self-identify as pregnant, not those who we may have stupidly assumed were pregnant, when they were actually just standing in such a way that their stomachs were temporarily pushed outward,” Hoffman said.
The pregnancy support MRE will also debut the DoD’s new hassle-free packaging that can be opened with one hand. This will allow hungry preggos in the field to keep one hand on their weapon and one continuously bringing food to their faces, provided they are not presently nauseated by the atrocious body odor and/or spray of their colleagues.
Additional side dishes in the “cravings MRE,” as it has been dubbed by those who are with child, include a large pickle, a quart of lasagna, a triple serving of jalapeno cheese dip stolen from other MREs and a package of crystallized ginger chews to combat morning sickness, which DoD officials of course know can strike at any time of day.
When asked to comment on the new offering, visibly and verbally-self-declared pregnant Marine Maj. Sophie Smith said, “Well, I’ve given 14 years to the Corps so far and deployed five times. I had been hoping for meaningful support, like long enough maternity leave that doesn’t require me to ditch my newborn infant with strangers at a large child warehouse.”
“But I do really love ice cream and extra jalapeno cheese.”
As of press time, researchers were also looking into adding “pork rinds, caramel popcorn, sliced cucumbers with the peel removed and ranch dressing—sorry, bacon ranch dressing—blueberry muffins but just the tops, extra creamy garlic mashed potatoes but not with those little green things sprinkled on, and a package of tissues.
Duffel Blog correspondent Blondes Over Baghdad contributed to this report.