FORT HOOD, Texas — Amid a heavy media spotlight on Texas Army base Fort Hood, senior leaders from the installation have decided to host country superstar Toby Keith for a concert The country singer is synonymous with love and support of the United States military.
“What better way to shift the spotlight from the negative to the positive?” said Col. Colin Tobin, installation garrison commander. “We’ve been feeling the heat from every angle and I know a lot of people are upset with the way things have been handled here lately. Nothing will turn that frown upside down like Toby Keith waving the red, white and blue while we shotgun some Bud Light.”
“Oh, and we’ve also canceled the command-climate survey because social distancing makes it impossible to distribute, or something.”
Leadership also announced that Darius Rucker will be the concert’s opening act to ensure that all soldiers are represented. “I don’t really listen to country other than that song ‘Big Green Tractor,’ but I love me some Hootie and the Blowfish, and I know Hootie is singing country music now,” said Command Sgt. Maj. Damian Mickens. “We have recently learned that you gotta cover all your bases and ensure you check all the blocks, so having Darius helps since he’s, uh, not your typical country music singer.”
Fort Hood has been under constant media scrutiny since early June in regard to the handling of multiple serious safety and criminal incidents, all while the current COVID-19 pandemic continues to be a constant nemesis for the military.
“To say that soldier morale is low would be the understatement of the century,” said Tiffany Neighbor, director of morale, welfare and recreation. MWR plans and runs different types of activities and events that help relieve stress and encourages soldiers to let loose and have fun. “I tried to get N’SYNC to do a comeback tour, but they said they didn’t want anything to do with Fort Hood at this point in time.”
“Even the Lieutenant Dan Band turned us down, so Toby and Darius won by default,” Neighbor said.
The commanding general has signed an exception to policy that will allow concert goers within six feet of each other as long as they are wearing masks.
“We just want everyone to have a fun for once and we promise we won’t mess it up this time” said Lt. Gen. Robert MacClinchy. “I’d rather a couple people get sick than deal with anything I’ve had to deal with over the last few weeks. Hell, I’d even take a couple simple DUI’s over some of this shit. I’m just tired of people having to compartmentalize their feelings every time they pull up to the main gate. I’m even starting to hate this place.” MacClinchy said.
The concert is currently scheduled for late July. Free beer will be provided to those with proof of military affiliation, so that no one is too uptight and everyone truly enjoys the evening, because what’s the worst that could happen?