Military child care reopening, if your kid can pass this extreme PT test


SAN DIEGO — As a few military child care centers are starting to reopen during the pandemic, a strenuous and challenging PT test for your kids has been implemented for them to be accepted.

With base officials issuing guidance for phased reopening of child development centers, supervisors have teamed up with Green Beret training personnel to create a demanding and vigorous physical training test to determine if a child is worthy. These CDC officials have been brainstorming ways to provide adequate child care for military members that avoids weak babies who can’t lift a 30 lb. kettlebell.

The shortage of base child care facilities and minimal staffing at those that do exist has only been further limited by COVID-19.

“It has become obvious that only chosen warriors should be accepted,” NSA San Diego Child Care Director Karen Baskin said. “The PT test will include a sprint from one end of the base to the other with a pair of scissors in under 12 minutes, the ability to carry a backpack of 400 crayons up a flight of stairs, and an agility testing course involving hundreds of Legos® on the floor.”

Officials across the military have been closely monitoring day care issues and have come to a collective conclusion that there’s no room for feeble spawn to waste this valuable space.

“Just like our military, we accept only the strongest and most badass toddlers” said Maj. Gen. Karen Templeton, military manager to the secretary of the Army for manpower and reserve affairs, during a town hall event of the Association of Defense Communities and Blue Star Families

“We understand that it’s challenging to juggle military life and family right now, but if your child is just some tablet-watching titty squeezer with no athletic ability or stamina, they’re not welcome into this facility,” Baskin said, as staff prepares to make sure only healthy and fit children of real patriots have first dibs.

“Marine Corps officials estimate an increase in physical training of toddlers due to the new rules for available child care spaces,” said Bill Spencer, a spokesman for Marine Corps Community Services. “The isolation for everyone and complete boredom for parents have provided a unique opportunity to engage with their child about being physically fit and not being a wimpy little crumb snatcher,” he said in a written statement.

“We will also be implementing our pugil-stick ring when we need a tie-breaker, but we’ll make sure those kids are wearing masks of course.”


Slab Squatthrust
When I was 8 years old, my 3rd grade teacher told me I was completely useless. A waste of human space and time taken from those who actually make an effort in this world. She hated me. Well guess what Mrs. Sonderman; fuck you. I hope you die alone and angry. Wait...what am I supposed to be writing here again?
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