LANGLEY AFB, Va. — During a staff meeting, Air Force Captain Richard “Action” Jackson continued his habit of fucking up common military phrases. Jackson, a 2016 graduate of the Air Force Academy, has lifted his word choices to a new level of late. According to a source in the room during the meeting, Jackson, while noting the applicability of a specific task to a specific person said, “This is the perfect job for Airman Finan, it’s right in his wheelbox.”
Since his commissioning four years ago, Jackson, a mid-level officer in his Operational Support Squadron, has demonstrated a trend of failing to successfully employ various military-related idioms.
“I think that ‘Action’ just gets excited and confuses things in his brain,” said Jackson’s supervisor, Maj. Larry Dietrich. “Like, sometimes he’ll get all fired up and say, ‘Ok, ok, ok we’re splitting words now,’ and I can kind of see what he’s saying. But I’ll be honest, the wheelbox thing confused the hell out of us.”
The COVID-19 outbreak has been a mixed blessing for Jackson’s team. Said Dietrich, “He’s definitely cranking out new phrases because of our switch to teleconferences instead of in-person meetings. It’s fun for us to watch.”
“I asked him how his last VTC went with our O-6 and Jackson did this thing that’s like a cross between a baseball and a golf club swing,” Dietrich said, reporting that Jackson confidently replied, “Colonel was just spoon-feeding me softballs.”
Several of Jackson’s subordinates were equally mystified and expressed frustration that his grammatical gymnastics, while basically understandable, sometimes cause squadron members to waste time deriving the origins of the phrases he uses.
“As soon as I heard about ‘the wheelbox’ I thought to myself, man, just let it go. But it’s nearly impossible once one of his sayings assaults your ears,” said a co-worker, Lt. Sean Nadal. “Finally you give up and you’re like, ‘Oh, fuck me, fine. Let’s spend 20 minutes figuring this out.’”
An NCO in Nadal’s office echoed the lieutenant’s remarks.
“We all know Captain Jackson meant ‘wheelhouse’—I mean, right?” said Tech. Sgt. Brian Arrington. “But I think he was thinking the word was toolbox, but ‘right in someone’s toolbox’ isn’t even a thing. I guess it could be worse. He could’ve said wheelbarrell.”
“Shit, he’s going to say wheelbarrell next time.”
Jackson’s wheelbox comment easily surpassed the officer’s previous misused phrases. Prior standout fuck ups included “You can’t lead a dead horse to water,” and “The loudest wheel gets the oil.”