YOUR BASE — Gather round folks. C’mon, bring it in really close. I want to cover a few topics to keep you safe as we head into the weekend.
It’s me, that hot new respiratory virus that got you a few days off work in March until the SecDef decided you were expendable. But don’t believe all “scientists” and “experts” who say I’m anything more than a bad flu. These are the same people who used to recommend specific cigarette brands, and then flip-flopped and told us that smoking was bad.
First things first, make sure you gather in large crowds. Nothing will own those commie liberals like packing the beaches, bars, and eventually ICU beds. If you die, it was God’s will, right? Show them you’re not afraid of some tiny acellular particle that’s not even considered a living thing. I mean, you wouldn’t be afraid of Jones’s dick, would you?
Plus, it’s summer and I don’t like the heat. And you know what creates more heat? Grinding on each other in that tightly packed off-limits club outside the main gate, that’s what. While you’re there, make sure and share a beer or a White Claw or something with your buddies. Save a penny where you can, right?
Next, masks are dangerous, so don’t wear them. They make it hard for you to breathe, to see what that chick’s face really looks like, and they may make you a potential target to those self-styled constitutional lawyers that scream at elderly women at big box stores. Besides, science is more of an art according to your aunt that posts Facebook articles that say the government makes you wear masks so you’ll be used to wearing a hijab. Look, she almost graduated high school and your parents wouldn’t have let you stay with her if she wasn’t totally sane, right?
If you do have to wear a mask because of some socialist beta cuck liberal policy at your local Wal-Mart, strip club, or hospital, make sure and wear it on your chin to let them know what you really think.
Do not wash your hands, especially not with soap. Do you know who didn’t have soap? Jesus, that’s who. And are you better than Jesus? No, I didn’t think so.
Most of all, listen to your Commander-in-Chief, he gets it. One day, I will just fade away — but not without a few hydroxychloroquine and Clorox enemas, so make sure and stock up on that shit, along with some aquarium fish antibiotics. Added bonus — a few squirts of this cocktail, and no more unwanted alien and demon bukkake sessions while you sleep.
That about wraps it up. Oh, last but not least — wear a condom. You don’t want to get something you can’t wash off, and herpes is for life.
Perpetual Captain contributed to this article.