Duffel Blog Presents: The 5 best tips for women to dodge the draft


U.S. Marines with the 22nd Marine Expeditionary Unit Female Engagement Team practice room-clearing procedures aboard the USS Wasp (LHD-1) during composite training unit exercise (COMPTUEX), May 16, 2016. The 22nd MEU and Amphibious Squadron Six (PHIBRON-6) are underway for composite training unit exercise (COMPTUEX). (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Ryan G. Coleman / 22nd Marine Expeditionary Unit / Released)

It used to be the only people that could get voluntold into military service were men, but change is on the horizon. Between last year when a Federal Judge ruled the Selective Service System unconstitutional and the new results from the National Commission on Military, National, and Public Service panel, it looks like the fairer sex will soon have to find space in their purses for a draft card.

The panel’s recommendation doesn’t spark immediate change but it paves the way for a drastic adjustment to how the draft operates going forward. It’s time for all women to step up and take part in the patriotic tradition previously reserved only for men – draft dodging. Here are Duffel Blog’s top five tips for women on how to subvert ol’ Uncle Sam.

  1. Stuff your ovaries with cotton

    Nobody wants to run away to Canada. Why not fake a disqualifying medical condition instead? Flat feet are so cliche, but eating cotton balls has always been a unique way (albeit not very tasty) to dodge the draft because it looks abnormal on an x-ray. Is it a cancer? A tumor? Who knows! Forget having the roast on the table by five — do one better and get those cloudy ultrasound images taken, stat!
  2. Insist on discussing your menstrual cycle at length with the draft registrar

    Will tampons be provided in MREs? Do they serve chocolate at the DFAC? Are menstrual cups in regs? Tell him you get super crampy and have to poop way more when Aunt Flo’s in town. Like, WAY MORE. That “rejected” stamp will come out faster than you can say “original sin.”
  3. Be a homosexual

    Nah, girl. This one don’t work no more.
  4. Subvert the Judiciary

    Uh oh! Your number’s been pulled. Time to go to law school, specialize in constitutional law, get a prestigious internship clerking for a current Supreme Court Justice, serve as a hard-hitting district attorney for several years, run for election as a local judge, get appointed as a Federal Judge in the circuit court, become a close and personal friend to a sitting President, wait for a current Justice hanging on to the last strings of life to die off, secure a nomination by aforementioned President, be confirmed by the senate, and then deny certiorari to any case that will potentially overrule the male-only draft.

    Effects may not be immediate.
  5. When in doubt, show your titties

    Ah, the good ol’ tried and true. If everything else has failed then it’s time to let your best assets do all the talking. This technique harkens back to ancient Neanderthal days when women used it to get second helpings of prehistoric Mastodon steak. So channel your prehistoric woman and whip out those Winnebagos.

    Godspeed, ladies. I’ll see you in Canada.

MapleSausage

MapleSausage is a freelance writer and independent filmmaker. Also the best MRE.
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