Biblical scholars: King David was the original ‘Jody’


Gerard van Honthorst / Public domain

BOSTON, Mass. — Biblical scholars at the Boston University School of Theology made a momentous announcement earlier today: King David of Bethlehem, the ancestor of Jesus Christ known for slaying the giant Goliath and being a “man after God’s own heart”, was — in fact — the first “Jody” in documented history.

“They say history rhymes with itself, but even I couldn’t have imagined that the ‘Jody’ tradition could be traced back that far back,” said Dr. Nathan Profeta, a professor of divinity and an Air Force Reserve chaplain.

Confirming the suspicions of troops and veterans everywhere who practice an Abrahamic religion, the youngest son of Jesse and monarch of the United Kingdom of Israel and Judah has been demonstrated to be the earliest-known military-spouse seducer, beating the previous Roman-era claimant, Josephus Molaris (Joseph the Grinder), by more than 850 years.

“This is a huge deal for biblical and military historians alike, and the evidence was right there all along,” Dr. Profeta wrote in a paper published in the Journal of Tedious and Obnoxious Biblical Studies. “Having both read the Bible and also seen many troops’ marriages fall apart during deployments, I can’t believe I didn’t put two-and-two together sooner, but once I re-read the story of David and Bathsheba, it just clicked!”

According to 2nd Samuel chapter 11, King David was on his palace rooftop in Jerusalem when he saw a beautiful woman, Bathsheba, bathing within eye-shot. When he found out she was married to one of his finest soldiers, Uriah the Hittite, he brought her to the palace and slept with her anyway, accidentally impregnating her.

To cover up his adultery, David needed to marry Bathsheba quickly, but he needed Uriah out of the way. He soon thereafter ordered his general, Joab, to send Uriah into the frontline of a battle against the Ammonites and then withdraw the rest of the army; unsurprisingly, Uriah was killed in action. David then married Bathsheba, but their child died in infancy as punishment from God.

“Whether it’s something like junior soldiers painting phallic graffiti on the walls of public latrines or commanders getting to ‘know’ their deployed troops’ wives—you know, biblically,” he wrote. “You could say some aspects of military life just never change. This revelation about a famous Old Testament figure just goes to show that our troops may yet find nuggets of wisdom if they decide to actually read their Bibles outside of Sunday chapel.”

At press time, the research team at BU announced that despite reports, King David does not also qualify as the original “blue-falcon.”

“That distinction should go to Achan from the Book of Joshua,” Profeta said.


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