FORT STEWART, Ga. — In the wake of his TikTok video that went viral for an anti-Semitic joke, 2nd Lt. Norton Friedheim has fallen under the spot light of every echelon of Army leadership, all the way up to Chief of Staff of the Army James McConville. Friedheim, however, is approaching the situation with blatantly unjustified optimism and is excited to meet the Chief of Staff of the Army (CSA) ahead of his peers.
“Who’d have thought when I graduated basic officer’s course just four months ago, that I would be lucky enough to be hopping on a plane to go see the CSA so early in my career?” Friedheim told reporters. “All my buddies keep trying to tell me it’s a bad thing, and to keep my head down and take it, but they’re all just jealous that the CSA doesn’t know their names by heart.” he added.
“How cool is that? The dumb mick Chief of Staff guy knows my name!” said Friedheim.
Friedheim’s chain of command is less enthusiastic about the countless hours locked at the position of attention for general officers ahead. “I don’t know how this idiot hasn’t realized yet that he just torpedo’d both of our careers with a 10 second video” said Capt. Tobias Ambriz, as he lit his fourth cigarette in five minutes. “Why couldn’t he have just been a normal lieutenant and gotten a DUI like the rest of the staff officers?” Ambriz said. “We’ve got a whole system to cover that up.”
“If I see one more LT make a fucking TikTok video, I’m going to hit them with my car” said Command Sgt. Maj. DeLoran Jackson, Friedheim’s battalion sergeant major.
The army has put out multiple guidelines and regulations concerning the use of social media, as well as how to professionally represent the military as a whole on any social media platform. “I used to ask myself how people could be this stupid, but at this point, I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never get my star” said Col. Natasha Truenbaum, brigade commander. “Usually it’s failing at the national training center, a sexual harassment complaint, or getting drunk and beating up a local national,” she added. “But, no—I have the exclusive privilege of hangin’ it up at full bird thanks to an anti-Semitic cherry LT,” said Truenbaum.
“I gotta say, I was worried at first when I got that first phone call from my commander screaming at me, but now I’m really starting to appreciate the multitude of general officers that are invested in my professional development,” said Friedheim. “That’s a level of interest that rarely even applies to field grade officers. One thing I know for sure is, my coin collection is about to explode, bitches!”
Friedheim was last seen outside 3rd infantry division headquarters as he said with enthusiasm, “Gotta go, heading to Division for a meeting with Marne 6!”