NEVADA TEST AND TRAINING RANGE, Nev. — After winning a competition at the military’s annual Red Flag exercise, an Air Force Small Diameter Bomb II was just too intelligent for those Navy dumb bombs, according to a sea service Mk 82 general purpose bomb.
Mk 82, callsign “Dumbass,” said the “StormBreaker” bomb contains brains that it just doesn’t have. Dumbass was addressing reporters and bomb nerds outside a bunker at Nellis AFB, while wiping down dad-sweat from its loser bomb body and applying baby powder to its tail fuze.
“Look at the big brain on that guy!” said Dumbass, downing a shot of Military Special bourbon. “It nailed those targets with the millimeter wave radar and GPS. We weren’t funded for that. What a shitbag!”
Dumbass continued, “Oh sure, it went to the Air Force Bomb Academy and I was just Bomb Officer Training Corps (BOTC) in college. But BOTC is just as good!”
When interviewed in its Coral Suite at the Mandalay Bay Resort in Las Vegas, StormBreaker was nonchalant.
“It’s just smarter Air Force procurement,” it bombsplained, while sipping on a Fashion Statement ordered from the resort’s Eyecandy Lounge. “I mean, who buys the boots and ignores the laces?”
Dumbass, sitting in the lobby of a rundown hotel outside of southwest Las Vegas while waiting for a billeting nonavailability statement, said, “Air Force conducted 138 developmental and operational flights with that bomb, all of which failed. How ‘smart’ was that?”
“And I heard its clips just never worked,” it continued eating Frito chips bought from a vending machine. “My clips were taken from leftover WWII inventory and have never failed!”
At press time, the Navy announced that StormBreaker, as well as the Air Force’s massive GBU-60 “Budget Buster,” would be added to its inventory.
“Great,” said Dumbass, “more Air Force bombs coming in and I get RIF’d. Guess I’ll update my resume since I’m probably going to be sold to Turkey. But I heard there’s a lot of work for my type in a nearby country. So that’s good.”