ClauseFic? Army to publish ‘Fifty Shades of War’ fanfic erotica


FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – The Army University Press announced plans to publish a fan fiction snuff erotica novel titled, Fifty Shades of War about the famed Prussian general and military theorist Carl von Clausewitz and his French-Swiss contemporary and adversary, Antoine-Henri Jomini. A spokesperson for the institution said the press was publishing the book to introduce “strategy in a different context.”

The novel depicts a homoerotic love story between the cerebral yet chaotic Prussian and the dominant and prescriptive Swiss-Francophile. Set during the Napoleonic Wars, the novel begins with an erotic tryst following the Battle of Jena-Auerstadt, and goes on to explore strategy, violence, and the extension of politics by other means.

“The first time most of our officers are exposed to strategic concepts is at the staff college,” said Lt. Gen. Theodore D. Martin, deputy commander of the Army Training and Doctrine Command. “But we need to get them thinking strategically earlier on to get ahead of our Russian and Chinese adversaries.”

“It’s all about improving lethality, which is also the title of the snuff chapter.”

Sources say Army University is teaming up with PornHub to adapt the story into a series of short vignettes that combine reason, passion, and chance with some good old fashioned hardcore.

“Military strategists have fetishized these two theorists for far too long to not have a story where they were romantically involved,” said senior military analyst, Dr. Jonathan Northfield. “So it only made sense the Army extended that obsession into an alt-history romance novel.”

“Plus, there was a group of terminal colonels who had already written an—ahem—disturbing body of work on the subject, so the Army didn’t have to pay anyone to write it.”

Gen. Mark Milley, a self-proclaimed history buff and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has penned the book’s foreword.

The Navy announced it is working on a similar book to broaden its pool of naval theorists. Sources say the competing titles are Fifty Shades of Anchors Aweigh, and Master and Cummander: A Look at A.T. Mahan’s Treatises through a BDSM Lens.

Fifty Shades of War will be on the Chief of Staff of the Army’s reading list next month, and is coming to a Post Exchange near you.

Duffel Blog correspondents rockorsomething and James Carlyle contributed to this reporting.


Whiskey Fueled Tirade
Ranter, writer, and small-time idea grifter. You are probably a bit dumber for having read his alcohol fueled, long-winded diatribes. Follow him @FueledTirade on Twitter
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