COVID-19 executes flu d’état, seizes control of US capital


WASHINGTON — Pandemonium struck the United States today as the capital was overwhelmed in a surprise flu d’état led by the so-called Coup Flu, COVID-19.

The virulent virus, which has spread across the world with breathtaking speed most of the year, has been circling the power elite in Washington for some time. Despite an ever growing army of airborne revolutionaries over the past months, many in D.C. remained complacent, often refusing to establish even the most rudimentary defenses.

“The president was, as you know, the first of America’s leadership to be attacked by the enemy,” said Dr. Scott Atlas, a member of the Coronavirus Task Force. “And while we thought we had repulsed the virus’s assault on the commander-in-chief, the enemy simply turned our flanks and took out our entire Pentagon leadership by forcing them into a panicked retreat.”

To punctuate his words, immediately after Atlas spoke these words, a message was broadcast by the leader of the Coup Flu.

“America, you are now under the rule of Supreme General Pandemitriov. You are hereby ordered to surrender all M95 masks, hand soap, and sanitizer to the Revolutionary Virus Army.”

“ALL HAIL!” he added.

“Franky, we believe the Task Force was infiltrated by the virus,” admitted Atlas. “In hindsight, we should have questioned why Dr. La Fever and Mr. Guy Coffman were so adamant against the president wearing a mask.”

Most of the National Command Authority has either fled or are under doctor’s orders to remain in hiding. Vice President Mike Pence, as head of the Task Force, was last seen trying to keep the surging virus from entering the White House by nodding grimly at it and warning that a vaccine was imminent. 

President Donald Trump, who was rescued by the valiant efforts of the Secret Service, some phlegmy Marines, and a spare drug cocktail, spoke from a hidden bunker somewhere in Virginia.

“It is what it is,” he said. “Don’t let this Coup Flu dominate your lives. This flu is nowhere near as dangerous as the regular flus which seize control of small third world countries every year.”

As of press time, about one third of Americans voiced support for the new regime as they danced in the streets while burning their “fascist masks.”

Paul J. OLeary and G-Had contributed to this article.


Major Crunch

Jack of all trades, master of none. I tweet snark from @welinde and help run weapons-grade shenanigans at www.Damperthree.com.
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