NORFOLK, VA. — Morale onboard the USS Anzio (CG-68) skyrocketed today after the command’s mandatory fun concert was canceled, sources report.
“We were all going to have to gather on the mess decks to watch a virtual concert,” Fire Controlman Third Class Jack Sanders said. “It was some Army band that we had to see because the XO knew someone in it. When we heard the morale boosting event was canceled, we were happy as hell.”
The concert, a battle of the bands between the Navy Band Commodores and U.S. Army Blues Swamp Romp, was billed as an exciting time despite the fact that even the musicians performing didn’t care about it.
“I thought this would be a great opportunity to bring the crew together,” Commander David Roberts, executive officer of the Anzio said. “My cousin was going to do a trumpet solo at the five-hour mark, and I figured it’d be a great opportunity for us to come together as a crew. Unfortunately he got sick so I had to let the crew spend their weekend doing what they went.” Roberts shuddered. “Ugh, the horror.”
Cheers erupted onboard after the cancellation was announced. Sailors were jumping up and down hugging each other, and sailors called their wives to tell them to stop preparing food. Cries of “Hell yeah!” and “I wasn’t going to that shit anyways” echoed through the passageways.
“Morale appears to be at an all time high,” Roberts said. “I’ll bump it even higher when I tell them we’re having mandatory fun to see the absolutely worst comedian.”