Proud Boys form up at 0330 to standby to standby to standby to standby


U.S. Army paratroopers assigned to 2nd Battalion, 503rd Infantry Regiment, 173rd Airborne Brigade along side of the 54th Brigade Engineer Battalion and the Slovenian 74th Infantry Regiment conduct a platoon live fire exercise as part of Exercise Rock Klescman 20 in Postojna, Slovenia from Feb. 23 to Mar. 6, 2020. (U.S. Army photo by Sgt. John Yountz)

’MURICA – The professional coalition of rough-and-ready patriots known as The Proud Boys arrived in formation at 0330 this morning, sources report, ready to execute follow-on presidential directives.

“Alright, gents, POTUS wants us to standby,” tweeted Proud Boys leader, Enrique Tarrio. “I want every swinging dick on a 24-hour recall.”

The Proud Boys, founded in 2016, were established as an everyman check to uphold the Constitutionality of orders emanating from the Oval Office.

“Alright, you rootin’, tootin’, Schlitz-shootin’ cowboys,” announced Jurgis Ferguson, President, Proud Boys Arkansas Chapter, “[Führer] Tarrio wants us standing by at 0600 today.”

Since their inception, the Proud Boys have upheld the American ideals of blonde hair, blue eyes, and the companionship of a token Black friend.

“Alright, you cock-strokin’, fiddle-folkin’, kin-fuckin’ wiseguys,” declared Danny McSeamus, President, Proud Boys Colorado Chapter, “word from out east is they want every nobleman out here ready to go at 0500 with horses fed, watered, and rested.”

Indeed, the Proud Boys display an impeccable façade of Anglo-Saxon heritage and love of equine battle tactics.

“Alright, you Molly-dopin’, crack-smokin’, coke-snortin’, LSD-trippin’, DMT-Roganin’, stripper-lovin’, car-buyin’, interest-slavin’, sad, fuckin’ motherfuckers,” roared Dickface (Select) Chad McChadface, “we have strict orders from THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA to FUCK SHIT UP with an objective time of NO LATER THAN 0400, so if your white ass reflects moonlight better than my IRIDESCENT-ASS SCROTUM DOES, you WILL be in formation by 0330 for muster, instruction, and inspection!”

The Proud Boys are renowned for their astounding professionalism and decorum.

At press time, Whitey Recruit McFuckface arrived late without a goddamn haircut.


Epic Blunder

Epic Blunder is a former deck seaman with an aversion towards open water. He enjoys coffee and bourbon, among other diuretics, and eats competitively.
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