The Crab Nebula: SECTOR 15
“The days are getting longer. We have been in quarantine here for seven days. The rations are running low. We ran out of beer on the second day. The sector maps are too difficult to understand. We are lost. We are Lieutenants.”
As the high-yield murder machine of the coronavirus burns through the United States a second time, the US Space Force took out-of-this-world desperate measures to secure the health of its most fragile and vulnerable members, second lieutenants. Space Force has sent these precious flowers on quarantine to a wormhole in the Crab Nebula.
A Space Force spokesman told reporters: “The uncertainty of the situation forced the Space Force to take drastic measures to protect these vulnerable lieutenants. Space Force lieutenants are usually very pale and never see the light of day. This makes them very susceptible to the virus. While this is a difficult decision, it needed to be done.”
When asked about the possibility that quarantining lieutenants in deep space is significantly more dangerous than the Coronavirus threat itself, the spokesperson assured the press that not having lieutenants around, for any reason, is always a huge plus.
“They will probably get lost in the oblivion, but that will definitely bolster morale,” the spokesman said. “We are on a tight budget this year and frankly, officers do not really do anything around here. No stupid questions about LeaveWeb and bitching about snacko duties will rapidly improve Space Force effectiveness.”
“We totally won’t be meme watching and browsing Facebook all day with the LTs gone.”