Trump and Biden give your weekend safety brief

Chris Wallace: “Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the weekend safety brief. I’ll be your moderator, Chris Wallace. This afternoon’s safety will cover a variety of topics, including alcohol consumption, driving, sexual safety, and other topics. Each of our candidates, President Donald J. Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, will have two minutes to give their safety advice. No one is released until…”

Trump: “Chris, this format is ridiculous. You’re not even talking about safety; you’re pushing an agenda.”

Wallace: “Mr. President, if you’ll just let me…”

Biden: “You see? This is what he does. He can’t stand on his record of safety, so he blusters and bullies about…”

Trump: “Are you insane, Sleepy Joe? Let me tell you, I know about safety. I’ve done more for promoting safety in the past three years than you did in 47 years of…

Biden: “That’s a lie!”

Wallace: “Gentlemen, if we could just…”

Trump: “Joe, you were in Washington for fifty years and we were as unsafe as we’ve ever been in … I don’t know, probably the history of the country. Maybe the history of the world, who knows? You know, a lot of these soldiers and Marines come up to me – very strong guys. Handsome guys. Much better looking than Tom Cruise, probably. Tough guys who look like movie stars, and they say to me, ‘Sir…Sir…thank you. Thank for making us safe as we are now.’ I mean, these are very, very tough hombres, who…”

Wallace: “Mr. President, if we could just stick to the topics at…”

Trump: “…know safety when they see it. They’re the safest guys in the world, let me tell you.”

Biden: “We’ve never been less safe than we are since you’ve been president. Most units don’t even require reflective belts since you’ve been president.”

Trump: “That’s because I got rid of the reflective belts because they were stupid. I said to the generals, ‘Get rid of them!’ and they did. And I’ll tell you something else, there have been NO accidents or injuries since I did.”

Wallace: “Gentlemen…”

Biden: “That’s a lie. Reflective belts make them safer …”

Trump: “Joe, you could have gotten rid of refleffer … refelkker … the glowing belts, a lot of people call them glowing belts. Or PT belts. But you could have gotten rid of them during your five decades in office, but PT belt usage went up … Some people say as much as 2000 percent … when you and Obama were in office. It was a disaster. An absolute disaster.”

Wallace: “Mr. President, I’d like to talk about DUIs …”

Trump: “Maybe you should talk to Joe’s son about that.”

Biden: “You motherfu …”

Wallace: “Mr. President, that’s uncalled for. Please stick to …”

First Sergeant: “At fucking EASE! Any of you goddamned animals get a DUI, knock up a stripper, or end up in jail, ya’ll will be doing PT outside my office until you fucking die! FALL OUT!”

Paul J. OLeary
Paul enjoys mixing high quality bourbon with Rip Its and thinks a few 15-6s are a small price to pay for big fun. @pauljoleary on Twitter.